


Holding Back Makes It Worse

by orphan_account



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, First Kiss, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, M/M, People really liked this one on Tumblr idk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-07
Updated: 2015-03-07
Packaged: 2018-03-16 19:25:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3500069
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After nearly telling Phil how he feels, Dan struggles with acting platonic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Holding Back Makes It Worse

**Author's Note:**

> So people on Tumblr really liked this one idk help me??? Anyways, I hope you enjoy <333

I was scared. Not your typical phobia-scared, but more like terrified. Chills going down your spine and unable to move-terrified.

I’m in love with Phil.

There, I said it. I was in love with my best friend. I know, cliché, but I couldn’t help it. Just… his childishness and innocence and sparkling blue eyes and black hair and all the things he did like stealing my cereal and leaving the cupboards open. Who wouldn’t fall in love with Phil? He was perfect.

You may be wondering what the problem here is, but it’s a really big one. Phil is as straight as possible. There’s absolutely no way he even remotely liked guys in that way, especially me. Because where he was perfect, I wasn’t .

My personality was too depressive and pessimistic. I had dull brown eyes with no sparkles whatsoever and I had brown hair like half the inhabitants of this planet. I had no special qualities or habits and I never did anything exciting. I was the most average, normal and boring person in the entire world.

But that wasn’t even remotely the reason why I was so terrified. For some reason my brain decided it was a good idea to wake up at 5 AM and tell him all about my feelings, so here I was. The carpet felt familiar between my toes as I stumbled through the corridor trying not to trip over my own feet or walk into something. Keeping my hand  against the cream-coloured wall, I reached Phil’s door.

This was it. I had been unconsciously preparing myself for this moment for nearly five years. I lifted my  shaking hand tentatively.

“Come on Dan. You can do this. You’re prepared. Everything is going to be fine," I whispered to myself in an attempt to calm my rushing thoughts. Just a few more inches and my hand would touch the door. My long fingers curled themselves against my palms and I pressed myself forward, wanting to knock on door. My body tensed. This was it.

“I can’t do this. He’s going to hate me.”

I ran back to my room, slamming the door and slouching against it. My chest was heaving, my eyes wide with  shock and my heart was beating a million miles per hour with adrenaline. I couldn’t believe I had almost told him.

I leant my head back against the door and closed my eyes, trying to make some order in the chaos that was my thoughts. This couldn’t go on like this any longer. My decision had been made.

I had to distance myself from Phil.

 

* * *

 

So far, so good. I had woken up before Phil this morning, which was a miracle in itself, so I hadn’t encountered him yet. My smile was tentative, but it was still there. I had a feeling that would change soon. I hadn’t really thought about what I was to do when Phil arrived, but I did know what I had to do something.

Yes, Phil was what I would describe as a drug. He was addictive, and that only made stopping worse. That’s why it was so hard to make a plan. Somewhere, in the back of my mind, I knew it was going fail. After nearly five years of doing everything together and being in unrequited love, how were you going to stay away?

Everything I did reminded me of him. Like right now, I was accidentally, or maybe not so accidentally, eating his lion cereal. Definitely not because it was Phil’s, where did you get that ridiculous idea? I just enjoyed the taste of it, that’s all.

_Right… You are definitely not_   _doing this because you always fantasise of kissing Phil after breakfast and this is what you imagined he’d taste like._

Sometimes, I really needed my conscience to shut up, and this was one of those occasions. It was being too accurate at this moment and I really didn’t need that, so instead of focusing on my cereal, I focused on how I was going to avoid Phil.

It shouldn’t be too obvious, because I didn’t want to push him away. I may wanted to distance myself, but I did want him to stay with me, otherwise I wouldn’t survive. I let out a long sigh. This problem certainly wasn’t going to go away sometime soon.

“Dan? What are you doing here at 9am?” a deep voice said from behind me.

I instantly froze. That voice, I could recognize it anywhere. It was the first thing I had noticed about him all those years ago; the soothing, baritone sounds he produced from behind his lips. It was the thing that had kept me up all those nights in my teenage years, when I wasn’t dreaming of hearing him address me with his voice.

“Dan, are you alright?” he said to me again.

I slowly turned around to say something to him and I could almost feel my pupils dilate. It was so obvious to everyone that I loved him, but Phil had never took notice of it somehow.

When I had turned around, I almost choked on the cereal I still had in my mouth. The concern in his bright, twinkling eyes knocked the breath out of me. He hadn’t ever looked at me like that. Not that he hadn’t been concerned about me all of these years, but never like this. Realizing I had gawked at him longer than was necessary and permitted I awkwardly diverted my eyes, finding the soft carpet suddenly very interesting.

“I’m fine Phil,” I said in a more confident voice than I thought I would have.

After I grabbed myself together and got the courage to look up again, I smiled. It wasn’t a smile for Phil, it was for myself. It may sound selfish, but it was true. I was smiling to reassure myself that I could do this. This was good for me, and for Phil too. We both needed this.

The amount of concern in his eyes had decreased, but it was still there, as well as something else. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. It was something like sadness, dimming a few of the lights in his eyes. Before I could look more into it, he regained his composure and smiled his Phil smile, the one where the skin around his eyes crinkled and they began to twinkle like the stars in the dark of the night.

“Okay then! Did you want to do something today? I was thinking of going to the park today,” he said innocently, the hope present in his voice.

That was another thing I loved so much about his voice; it always displayed his childish innocence and current emotions. People always told me that eyes were the window to the soul, but Phil was different. He always was, with everything, and that’s what made him so perfect. I sometimes forgot he was  four years older than me, but that’s what made him so adorable.

Remembering he had asked me a question, I choose to decline his offer. I reminded myself that I had to distance myself from him, and with him looking and smiling like that at me, it was becoming increasingly difficult to do so.

“I’m sorry Phil, but I would like to stay inside today. Who needs a life when you have internet, right?” I tried to awkwardly joke. “Anyways, I’m going to shower now. Have fun eating breakfast!”

_Have fun eating breakfast?! Was that seriously the best thing you could come up with? You are an idiot Daniel James Howell._

‘Oh shut up!’, I thought to myself.

I turned away from Phil, pretending not to have seen the sadness and confusion shining through his glistening eyes. It hurt me to have done that, but it needed to be. This was the best for both of us, I would just have set our happiness aside.

I slowly walked away, my body dreading to leave Phil behind. I tried not to be affected by his burning stare, but I still was. It had never been this hard to walk away from him before. Maybe my constant thinking about Phil, whether it was about avoiding him or not, was making me affect this way. I was sure a good shower would clear my mind and help me think better.

 

* * *

 

Turns out I wasn’t right about that. Time alone meant more time for my brain to think about Phil, obsessing over his eyes, his hair and mostly his voice. That hadn’t really helped with the predicament I was in, worsening it instead of lessening it. I was sat in my favourite position; Slouched on the couch with the laptop in my lap.

‘Was it called a laptop because you could put it in your lap?’ I questioned myself. Gladly taking the distraction from my stream of thoughts about Phil, I decided to dwell on it as long as possible, which turned out to be relatively short.

As I was thinking about laptops, my eyes unconsciously wandered to the direction of the bathroom as I heard the shower being turned off. It would’ve been better if I wouldn’t have. I didn’t think about it at first, but I soon realized I had made a big mistake. The shower being turned off meant that Phil had finished his shower session and since he never brought clean clothes to the bathroom, he had to walk to his bedroom with only a towel around his hips, using the space I was staring at right now.

As soon as I thought about the mistake I had made, the sound of the doorknob being turned could be heard and a shadow could be seen leaving the bathroom. At the first flash of paper-white skin I saw, I couldn’t physically look away. I hadn’t been kidding when I said he was perfect; Broad shoulders, rippling muscles while still being a bit chubby, long neck and the perfect amount of chest hair. He had everything I didn’t.  

As I said before: Phil was perfect.

Realizing I was practically drooling, I quickly averted my eyes to the laptop, desperate to hide my soon burning cheeks. Yeah, distancing myself from Phil was coming along perfectly fine…

 

* * *

 

 I actually managed to restrain myself from looking at him when he came out. For some reason, this made me feel proud. I mentally high-fived myself, unable to hold back a grin.

I turned around when I felt him stare though, his blue eyes boring into my head with an intensity I had never felt before . It was weird, to say the least.

Trying to look him in the eye, my plan was to ask him if something was wrong, but as soon as I saw him, that flew out the window. He stood there, wearing plaid, of course, which suited him ridiculously well.

That wasn’t what had captivated me so. On the contrary, it was his face. Now don’t get me wrong, I would stare at his gorgeous features all the time if I was given the chance, his strong jaw line, his cheekbones, his long eyelashes, which brushed his skin whenever his eyes fluttered close, his slightly curved nose, his beautiful blue eyes.

They weren’t that blue right now, and that’s what caught my attention. His eyes had turned almost completely black. They had a strange glint in them, leaving me questioning as to what it was. A red tint dusted over his cheeks, and he hadn’t bothered to style his hair, opting for running his hands through it instead, giving it a ruffled look. He looked, for  lack of better words, like he just had sex. And I decided that I quite like that look.

"Dan?" Phil’s soothing voice interrupted my train of thoughts, before I could start thinking about how he would look if I took all his clothes off. "You’re staring a lot at me today. Is there something wrong with my face?"

"Nothing’s wrong with your face," I said maybe a little too defensively and quickly.

"Nothing is ever wrong with your face, that’s the problem," I mumbled, not realizing I had accidentally said it out loud until I saw Phil ducking his head, raven fringe brushing my nose.

My eyes widened in realization. I couldn’t have said that out loud, could I? I mean, I knew I mumbled, but like this? The fear of last night came creeping back into my mind and body. It was a torturous process, oh so slow, like smoke fleeing through cigarettes, curling around and slowly spreading through the air.

With open mouth and dry lips, I looked down at Phil, trying to catch his eyes. He refused to look up at me, trying to stare down the carpet. He peered up at me from under his long eye lashes, almost making me choke on my breath. I thought I saw the beginning of a blush forming, but before I could study it, I had already turned around.

The tears started rolling down my cheeks, each single one burning a scar into my face and heart. This was it. Nobody lives forever.

I controlled myself, succesfully stopping my shoulders from shaking  before Phil could see them. Grabbing my leather jacket, I stormed out of our apartement, tears clouding my vision.

"Dan, wait!" Phil shouted.

I didn’t care anymore. He knew. Phil knew I liked him and he thought it was disgusting. He thought I was disgusting. And he was right.

I slammed the door behind me as hard as possible, not even able to bring up sympathy for Phil, who had been running after me.

 

* * *

 

The sky was dark and looming, filled with thick black clouds dropping glassy bombs of wetness on my face and the tree I was sitting next to. I probably looked pathetic; A full grown man, sitting under a tree in the rain, shoulders shaking with sobs. 

It sounded cliché and horrible, and it was. Wave after wave of sobs wrecked my body, making my chest ache in as I could only think of one thing. Phil. My beautiful, gorgeous best friend who I had loved and just lost. I pictured his blue eyes, how shocked he had looked when I told him. Another wave of sobs hit me again, making my head spin. I couldn’t feel anything anymore except the burning feeling on the inside, slowly consuming me bit by bit.

The rain combined with the wind numbed my body, a feeling of unconsiousness slowly creeping into my brain, seducing it to sleep. I accepted it all too greedily, welcoming anything that would distract me from black hair and paper skin.

 

* * *

 

I stared at the snow, trying to make it go away. It was the first time I had left Chris’ house in two weeks. He found me under that tree that one night, slightly hypothermic, and I had been staying at his place since then.

It had started snowing the day after I stormed out of our apartement, maybe someone was trying to numb the pain inside with the coldness that radiated of all the white flakes. It had the total opposite effect though, reminding me of the times that Phil and I had made snow angels together.

We had lied there, side by side, shaking with laughter. I turned my head, seeing his face next to mine, blowing clouds into the air. His lips had formed into a perfect circle, the warm air coming out behind of them in quick puffs. He had laughed and turned around to face me, eyes crinkled and tongue poking out between those lips. I remember the sudden desire I had felt to put my lips on his, to feel that tongue against my own. It had confused me back then, I was only 19, I wasn’t supposed to feel that weird tingling feeling in my chest. Later I had connected the dots, accepting that I loved Phil Lester unconditionally.

I was ripped out of my thoughts by something warm trailing down my face. I put my hand up to catch it, not wanting anyone to see I was crying. I was too old to cry.

"Dan! Are you coming in again? You’ve been staring at the snow for 15 minutes now!", Chris shouted.

I half expected it to be Phil’s voice who would bring me to my senses, but I knew Phil didn’t care about me. He hadn’t even tried to find me once, instead trying to completely ignore my existence.

"I’m coming you twat!", I shouted back at him, more cruel than I should.

I knew I had been treating Chris like an asshole the last few days, but he didn’t mind. He knew what I was going through, and he had accepted my behaviour.

Sniffling, I wiped away my tears. Taking one last glance at the pile of snow, I turned around and shook my head. I had to forget about Phil.

Phil won’t come for me anymore.

 

* * *

 

“Dan, is that you?”

I instantly stiffened when I heard that, a tingle shooting up my spine. Deep, smooth tones glided softly into my ears. I would recognize it anywhere, the way his voice sounded like music in my head, perfection at its finest.

The quivering undertone caught my attention though. He sounded…. sad, almost. I could already imagine what I would find if I turned around. Clear blue eyes, covered with glasses, glazing over with emotion and filled with glistening tears threatening to fall down his blemish-free skin. Black hair, inky and soft, almost inviting to run your hands through, ruffled by the wind. Stubble, looking scratchy and giving him a five o’clock shadow.

But the real Phil was always better than the one in my mind.

Finally giving in to the temptation, I turned to face him, preparing myself for the impact he would have on me after I hadn’t seen him in a month.

He looked like I had imagined him, only worse. And better at the same time. Dark blue bags had filled the space under his eyes, giving him a worn-out and tired appearance. His stubble had almost turned into a moustache, and his Adam’s apple was covered in it. He looked horrible. But he still looked like Phil.

My Phil. The first and only person I ever loved. Present tense. And he was standing there in front of me, a single tear rolling down his cheeks, staring at me like I wasn’t real. And I stared back.

“Phil?” I heard my own voice softly say.

It shocked me how gravely it sounded. I hadn’t used in a month, preferring to stay silent instead of talking to someone about Phil.

“Dan,” he said back with unblinking eyes, his voice breaking.

I didn’t know how long we just stood there, staring at each, trying to find out if the other was real or if it was just a cruel trick of our minds. He looked so surreal standing there, the moonlight illuminating his skin, giving him a glowing appearance.

Suddenly, I felt my back hit a building. I hissed, cold stone digging into my skin.

“Phil…? What are you-"

My train of though was cut off as I felt a warm body press against mine. I immediately knew it was Phil; I felt the curves I had dreamed of so many times, the muscles, the slight pudge.  Everything was there, pressed against me. Phil was there, pressed against me.

Tentatively, I opened my brown eyes, trying to see what he was doing. I was met with the bluest eyes staring at mine, with full-blown pupils. He was so gorgeous.

We must’ve looked like idiots standing there, staring at each other, but we couldn’t bring ourselves to care. I wanted to stay in this moment forever.

Suddenly his lips were softly gliding against mine, fitting together perfectly. His hands were on the small of my back, slowly moving upwards and back down, making me shiver. My hands threaded through his inky hair, which was softer than I imagined it to be. He swiped his tongue over my bottom lip, and I parted my lips, eager for him to engulf me with all of his passion. I had waited too long for this to end here.

His tongue glided into my mouth, licking the back of my teeth. I let my tongue skim his, tasting a flavour that could only be described as Phil.

I broke our kiss, stepping back to catch my breath. My lips still tingled, and I was able to feel him like never before. I looked at Phil again, his cheeks red and pupils dilated. He had never looked more stunning than in that moment, I decided.

“Dan… That was-,” he stuttered, his mouth occasionally opening and closing. “You… Me…”

“Phil!” I interrupted his adorable stuttering.

His eyes immediately flew to mine, searching for some sign of regret. I stared into them, feeling myself get lost in the blue. I had missed Phil and his blue eyes so much. They were by far the most enticing part of him. They sucked you in, I just couldn’t physically look away.  His emotions lay on the surface. I wanted to discover all of them. All of him. I wanted to come close to him. Consume him and his eyes.

“I am in love with you.”

**Author's Note:**

> this was also posted on my [tumblr](http://ninchuser.tumblr.com)


End file.
